


Watbatjokes ABC Kinks

by Comingupwithusernamesishard



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017), The LEGO Movie (2014), The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part
Genre: ABC, BDSM, Batjokes, Consent, Consent is Sexy, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Just smut, Live Your Life, Lots of it, M/M, Multi, PICK YOUR POISON, PWP, Smut, Watbatjokes, all threesomes aren't just about sex, but also with sex, don't like a chapter, healthy polyamorous kink sex, here is a loving threesome, lots of kinks, or don't read at all, skip it, this threesome plays for keeps, watbat, watjokes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:14:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29094813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comingupwithusernamesishard/pseuds/Comingupwithusernamesishard
Summary: They were never the types to shy away from a challenge.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne, Joker (DCU)/Watevra Wa'Nabi/Bruce Wayne, Watevra Wa'Nabi/Bruce Wayne
Kudos: 5





	1. First, You Learn Your ABCs

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is a general overview of the typical ABCs of BDSM preferences for this threesome. The following chapters will be them trying out one kink for each letter of the alphabet. Enjoy.

**A is for Aftercare**

Oftentimes after sex, particularly _good_ sex, Bats falls asleep from exhaustion(he's not _invincible,_ you know), and Joker is too overstimulated to consider aftercare; since Watevra is the queen and typically tops the most, she takes it on herself to take care of her boys; she'll tuck Bats in and get him some water if he wants it, and give Joker a lotion massage(he's overstimulated but still touch starved) and spoon him, singing softly until he's calm enough to drift to sleep in her arms. If Evsy does need aftercare, Bruce will fix her her favorite cocktail and shower praises on her ear as Joker tenderly cuddles her, plays with her hair, and mumbles half-finished jokes in her ear; on those occasions, Bruce will often become the big spoon for both of them until they all fall asleep together.

**B is for Body Part(s)**

Evsy loves to use her hips. She likes to treat sex as a loving dance with her partners; she loves to capture them between her legs, to role her hips to her own rhythm, to feel Bruce's hands on her hips or Joker's thighs between them; she uses them to sensually exhibit her loving care for her partners, her fun-loving nature, and her desire to cling to them both and never let go.

Bruce loves to use his hands. He loves to apply them to his partners as though solving a puzzle or troubleshooting gear; or restraining criminals, at times literally. His hands help him to feel connected to his partner so he loves to always be touching them. From fingering to fisting to simply stroking his partners' hair and face, his hands are how he shows his tender attentiveness.

Joker loves to use his mouth; he loves to paint his partners with his lipstick and leave longing kisses, licks, and bites all over them, tasting them and marking them to make sure they're real; it comforts him to see the marks on his partners the next day, less for possessive reasons(though that is a factor) and more as an assurance that last night really _did happen_. 

(Also, yes, Joker's extremely loud during sex, laughing, screaming, singing, even telling jokes; you name it, and Bruce and Evsy love it.)

Joker's favorite part of Bruce is his scars. He loves to run his hands up and down Bruce's battle scars and feel Bruce's chest cave beneath his hand in response, the mighty Batman averting his gaze; he loves to lick the scars and kiss them tenderly. If he finds a scar he didn't put there, he'll make a mental note to put a hit on someone's head for Harley; if he finds one he _did_ put there, he'll kiss it even more tenderly and look up into his lover's eyes, no words needed; the next time they do battle, he'll be all the gentler for it. His favorite part of Watevra is her eyes; they are the only aspect of her appearance that stay they same across her transformations, so he loves to train his attention on them, almost exclusively at times.

Bruce's favorite part of Joker is his lean chest. He's had his fair share of skirmishes with the clown prince, enough to know the outline of that chest and what it's been through, and what he's done to it; he's known how it feels to lunge that chest over his shoulder and cling to it; before he ever admitted his feelings for the clown, that chest was the most physical contact he permitted himself, and he's still in love with it now. His favorite part of Watevra is her mouth; he loves to kiss her tenderly, to feel her lips and teeth tease his neck, to hear her sing and talk in general; he could watch those lips all day.

Watevra's favorite part of Joker is, likewise, his eyes. She loves to stare into them as he stares into hers; it started as a response to his staring, as an acceptance of a challenge, and now they find themselves falling into eye sex almost constantly, much to Bruce's exasperation. She just loves to try and decipher those pretty green orbs of his. Her favorite part of Bruce is, yep, his mouth; she _do_ love those Val Kilmer lips; she particularly likes them between her thighs, lapping at her nipples, and nipping at her ear. This Batman is the most reluctant to remove his cowl, which Watevra has accepted, so her attention is often drawn to his lips as the strongest level of expression his face can warrant.

**C is for Cum**

When Watevra comes, she wants everyone to know it; whoever happens to be in her at the time will be positively _pelted_ , since she happens to be a squirter. When those fluids expel, Joker is ecstatic and probably proud of himself, eagerly opening his mouth, tongue out, to catch as much of the precious elixir as possible; Bruce, likewise, will stop whatever he's doing to go down on her, eagerly lapping up the excess fluid. If Bruce is eating her out when she comes, he'll pull back a bit, letting the fluid run down his neck, before smirking, meeting her eyes, and greedily lapping up the liquid; if Joker is eating her out when she comes, he'll perk up and try and swallow as much of it as possible, often choking on it, but hey, the man has a good gag reflex.

When Bruce comes, it's him releasing a good amount of the tension he's been carrying, so the trajectory is impressive; that's why Joker's gag reflex is so good. Joker loves to blow Bruce, so if he is when Bruce orgasms, he'll eagerly swallow every drop; Watevra, on the other hand, loves to pull back and let him cum all over her face and breasts, coyly eyeing him as she licks the fluid from her fingers. He still has a semblance of self control, so when he's fucking either of them, he'll use a condom and manage to pull out just before ejaculating, often with an inhuman howl as he falls back in a pleasurable heap and his partners pet him through.

When Joker comes, he likes to make art. He'll use a condom when he's fucking, but when one of his partners is blowing him or jacking him off he'll be quick to spray either or both of them with his semen, like a proud kid showing his parents his art project. Similar to when Watevra comes, Evsy will eagerly catch as much as possible in her mouth, and Bruce will be quick to lick him clean. As for fucking, when he pulls out, he practically falls off of whatever surface they're fucking on and roll on the floor laughing with his release; Watevra and Bruce are quick to follow to clean him up.

**D is for Dirty Secret**

Watevra has felt ignored and isolated for most of her life and been put down for who she is, so in bed, her praise kink has a dark underbelly; she needs to constantly hear her partners, be it moaning, grunting, screaming, or whining; this complements Joker's screaming tendencies really well. If she can't hear her partners at any given time, she'll panic, which is where most of her dominating tendencies come from; she wants to maker her partners scream as much as possible so she knows that they're having a good time, and that they're having it with _her_. This even often results in Mistress Mode when she goes full dom and makes verbal demands, not doing a damn thing else until she hears verbal consent; she wants them _begging for her_ every second of the sex.

Bruce is a switch, but leans more toward a bottom; he's been trying to suppress this for a long time, but around Watevra, he just crumbles; her top energy is too much. Opening up like this is hard for him, but relinquishing control and finally trusting someone implicitly to neither harm nor leave him feels _so good_. Sometimes Joker will even slip into topping when he realizes Bruce's bottom tendencies and Bruce just _melts_. He's so used to being alone that having these people worship him and take _such good care of him_ nearly has him coming every time Watevra spanks him. He's a bottom, but he can be such a _top_ about it, treating it like a challenge with shit like intentionally pissing his partners off with harmless but annoying pranks, crossing his arms when they confront him, and pulling a "Well then _fuck_ me, why don't you?"

Joker overstimulates easily, but is also touch starved; these aren't _shockers_ , but discovering the extent of them for the first time nearly brought sex to a halt as Watevra and Bruce realized walking this tight rope could be dangerous. They were quick to pick up the streetlight system; green means keep going, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. Joker doesn't always follow these rules in the streets, but honors them as _law_ in the sheets, as his partners do for him; the system becomes integral as his partners learn his body more, ensuring that he always feels safe and secure. Eventually, they know his body as well as their own, and are able to walk the line enough that they're almost always touching him with that delightful energy beneath his skin and he still feels totally safe; in those moments, what he wants, always, is touch. He'll even, and often, stimulate touch outside of the bedroom just to feel that connection with his partner, getting up close and personally during battle or finding any excuse to stand just closer than necessary during casual conversations. Once he realizes it's okay, he'll almost always have his hands on his partners, around their wastes, over their shoulders, in their hair, their hands, _anywhere_.

**E is for Experience**

Watevra is more experienced with sex than intimacy. As a queen, she's had no shortage of courtesans of no shortage of genders to fulfill her physical needs, but in her _relationships_ , if she could call it that, it's almost always been political; she's never felt a pure connection to her partner before Bruce and Joker. As such, the stimulating but emotionless fun she's used to with her courtesans starts to fade into something far more sensual with her lovers; that said, sexually, she has a _lot_ of experience, and a lot of dom experience at that; with her courtesans, she was always in charge, and it's not much different here; except, now, with the emotions attached, it's more tender. Her courtesans always consented, but they were all about pleasing _her;_ she was more their queen than their mistress _._ Now, she's all about pleasing her partners as much as possible, and she knows _just_ how to do it.

Bruce's story is much like Watevra's. He's had his share of fun with Women's Sportswear Models and Lady Tennis Players, but it was all just that: fun. No strings. Now he has all of the strings, _and_ he's finally out of the closet; Joker is the first guy he's been with, but as a Master Builder(that is, masturbator) with a dick he's no beginner at pleasing one. But like Watevra, now there's a sensuality with his partners he's yet to experience; Joker and Watevra understand him like none of his partners _ever_ have, so being with them feels better than any sex he's ever felt.

Joker is a virgin. Well, he hasn't been with anyone since he woke up in Arkham without his memory, so he's a virgin in the sense of the word that matters. But when he fell in love with Watevra and finally confessed to Bruce, he knew that he was ready to open himself up to them in every way; their experience over his may be part of why he's the most submissive. However, what the man lacks in experience, he more than makes up for with _creativity_. Also, he has the best teachers he could ask for, and he's loving every minute of this new adventure with them. His lack of experience is also why developing the traffic light system was so important.

**F is for Favorite Position**

These three are freaks. They could hardly confine their favorite sexual activities to _one position_. However, Watevra love Joker's tongue and Joker love Bruce's dick, so any given night will typically start with a high-five warm up, with Joker on his knees or all fours receiving anal from Bruce and giving oral to Evs. This will really get Evsy going, and after the first orgasm they'll typically transition to some double stuff(Bruce disposing of his old condom and applying a new one from his utility belt) so the boys can please their queen, Bruce kneeling and Joker lying flat so Joker can penetrate her pussy and Bruce and fuck her ass. If they're still ready to go after the second orgasm, they'll get into some kinky shit, but if they're starting to tire out, they'll transition to the bed where they'll lazily play with each other, Bruce and Joker petting Evsy's pussy and kissing her neck and Evsy playing with their cocks, one for each hand, until they doze off(no somnophilia involved; as soon as someone falls asleep the others stop playing with them). Whoever's awake last gets to be the big spoon.

**G is for Goofy**

Unsurprisingly, Bruce is typically the _most_ serious during sex, although he'll through in a flirty quip here and there; otherwise, "serious" isn't exactly in Evsy's or Joker's dictionary; other then tender moments and sweet flirtations here and there, there is little serious about the way they fuck. Even when Watevra's doming, she tends to have a sense of humor and creativity about it, playing music and dirty talking expertly; after Bruce, she's the most serious, interspersing her praise with punishment even as she dances through the sex; Joker laughs during sex. He just laughs during sex. It's how he expresses himself when he's nearing overstimulation; at first, it worried his partners, but when he neither used the safe word nor the safe signal and when they talked about it after, they concluded it was just part of who he was, and they loved it; Watevra even refused to gag him for the longest time. She just _loves_ to hear his laugh, and his screams. Sometimes she and Joker will even have the most meta conversations during sex to Bruce's consternation.

**H is for Hair**

Bruce likes to keep himself well-groomed, but Watevra and Jokes got _bushes_. Joker will brush-or even condition-himself sometimes, but he generally doesn't care about the hair down there; as for Evsy, sometimes she'll shave out little patterns on her pussy, but for the most part, like Joker, she lets it grow. Bruce doesn't mind, in fact, he loves petting his partners and feeling their soft bushes on his skin.

**I is for Intimacy**

All of them have little experience with this. As mentioned before, relationships for Bruce and Watevra to this point have been inconsequential, and mostly one night stands on Bruce's part; as for Joker, he's just touch starved as shit, and will often initiate the snuggles. Watevra is super loving, but even now the snuggles take her off-guard; even though her consorts were pleasing _her_ throughout her life, she couldn't help but feel used, like she was just the queen to them, a novelty; she feels like Bruce and Joker really see her as a _person_ , and see her at _all_ , so once the cuddling starts, she'll slip into it and cling to them tightly, never wanting to let them go. Bruce will be the slowest to initiate intimacy, but he never complains when it starts; he's been alone for so long that feeling his partner's arms wrapped around him is better than he's ever felt. Listen all three of these people have led lonely, even isolated lives, where they were treated less as humans than figures, and having each other means _everything_ to them, so soon enough, they're almost always intimate, slipping their hands into each other's, wrapping their arms around each other, and just clinging tight in general, never letting go.

**J is for Jack Off**

Did I mention these three are freaks? Yeah, they masturbate weekly and daily. Masturbation is healthy, and these three are busy; when Watevra's in another system taking care of governance, Bruce is on patrol, and Joker is causing chaos, they can't always find the time for sex, so they'll take care of their needs with some good old-fashioned masturbation. "No one can fuck me like me, bitch." Bruce will typically do it in the privacy of one of his many bathrooms while playing one of Watevra's favorite songs; he may even take one of Joker's makeup kits from the bedroom--where he left it for "sleepovers"--if he's feeling freaky and give himself red hickeys up his arms and legs. Joker and Watevra are less shy about it; Watevra will jack off right there on her throne if no one else is in the room, and it's one of her favorite places to do it in fact; you can't beat the view of the galaxy, and she likes for the stars to watch. Joker's still a screamer, so if he doesn't gag himself everyone in the hideout and their grandmother will know what he's doing and whom he's thinking of while he does it.

**K is for Kink**

Watevra has a praise kink. Big time. Even just grunts or groans; _any_ positive reinforcement from her partners during sex makes her heart sing, and then she makes _them_ sing even louder; she also has that beg kink and _loves_ to have her boys on their knees for their queen.

Joker is a masochist. Big time. This is another issue with his overstimulation, but with consistent communication, he's found a balance with his partners that makes him feel _great_. He loves a good whipping from his queen for how naughty he's been and he _loves_ playfighting with Brucie.

Bruce has a mommy kink. There, I said it. He loves when Watevra takes charge and he'd do anything to satisfy her. He's typically a stoic lover, but she easily brings him to his knees. He also likes to be Joker's daddy and take control of him, which the Joker also loves; Bruce just really be a big time switch in the bed.

**L is for Location**

Most of the time they'll be in Bruce's bed, but other locations include Joker's hideout, Watevra's throne room, the Batmobile, and oh yeah: Watevra's _dungeon_.

**M is for Motivation**

All three of them have dealt with extreme loneliness, even isolation, in their lives, so paramount to them is connection with their partners, culminating in different preferences.

Watevra loves to feel validated and supported by her partners through praise and begging; she wants to feel _loved_ by them and be able to likewise love _them_ from the inside out; she wants them to know how much she loves and understands them by lavishing her affection and attention on them until they're both on their knees.

Joker wants to be loved so much. He's felt so lost and alone for so long, and having his partner's love for him reinforced breaks him every time in the best way. He loves them showering their love over him in every way; he loves the marks they leave on him, he loves the lovebites that remind him in the morning that he's _loved_. And he loves to let them know in his own way that as long as they'll have him, he will never let them go.

Bruce has isolated himself for so long that opening himself up to his partners has been so terrifying and fulfilling for him. He ultimately wants to feel his connection with his partners, pleasure them, and make sure that _they_ feel it too; he wants to love them, forever. He said it in the movies, he'll say it again; he loves them _forever_. He'll do everything he can to make sure they know it.

**N is for No**

As much as Watevra loves dirty talk and dominating, she draws the line at humiliation. Words are a big deal for her, so even in roleplay, she won't want to insult her partners too much; she prefers physical humiliation to verbal. As for any attempts to humiliate _her_ , well, those would be a no too, but neither of them have ever tried.

Joker hates temperature play. As masochistic as he is and as much as he'd _like_ to like temperature play, it just sends his stimulation into overdrive and can even give him panic attacks. He said this upfront and his partners have never even _considered_ temperature play; they love their baby boy too much to hurt him like that.

Bruce doesn't want to do anything in public. Some PDA as fine, and as long as there's no one nearby, he doesn't mind the odd rooftop fuck or messing around in Watevra's throne room, but being caught with his partners in such a vulnerable position is just mortifying to him, so Watevra and Joker know to always makes sure no one's around if they're screwing at their place.

**O is for Oral**

They all love oral. Watevra especially likes it if Bruce happens to be wearing his cowl during sex when he eats her out while stimulating her clit with the tip of his cowl nose. As for Joker, he has one long tongue and he _knows_ how to use it; he also has very sharp teeth which his partners love when he makes use of. He also loves littering lipstick all over his partners. Joker loves when Bruce gives him oral because he gets to stare right into his face the whole time, and vice versa.

**P is for Pace**

Sex usually starts off hot and heavy for them, ending with some more sensual and tender petting after however many orgasms; Joker is always eager, Bruce always tense, and Watevra always dancing, so they're always quick to the punch, so to speak.

**Q is for Quickie**

Quickies aren't their preference, and they love when they get a night to themselves to give each other their undivided attention and try out some new games, but considering how busy they are, they're typically their only option. For quickies, they usually do oral or jack each other off instead of penetration for time's sake, but they are _quite_ skilled with their fingers and mouths, so they can make quick work of each other when need be.

**R is for Risks**

These three _love_ risks. It's just their style. With the traffic light system in place and open communication, there's very little they're not willing to try.

**S is for Stamina**

Um, they can go all night. Sex marathons are commonplace for these three, and they have a running tally for how many times they can make each other come in one session.

**T is for Toys**

Oh yeah. Between Bruce's gadgets, Watevra's dungeon, and Joker's being _Joker_ , they have no shortage of toys and are always adding to the collection. They'll often give each other toys for masturbation purposes too since they know how busy they all are. It's a rare night when they _don't_ use toys.

**U is for Unfair**

Did I mention Joker is a _bratty little sub?_ Well, so is Bruce, though he's more subverted about it. What _ever_ is Watevra to do about these boys? Oh yeah. Stimulate them to the max until they're begging for release. Fair enough.

**V is for Volume**

Watevra is a talker. She loves dirty talk all throughout, nor is she shy about her moans when she comes. Bruce, on the other hand, tries to keep a cap on his volume more often than not, though Evsy knows how to make him sing. And Joker is _loud_. As I said, the man will sing, scream, and _laugh_ , and Evsy loves it, knows what each one means, and how to prompt them.

**W is for Wild Card**

Watevra is _always_ looking up new ways to please her boys on BDSM sites, and Ice Cream Cone has had enough of it. She also is always adding to her collection of toys and torture devices.

Bruce sometimes designs and custom makes his own BDSM equipment, and Watevra thinks there is _nothing hotter_ than a sub designing their own binding device. Also, he keeps condoms in his utility belt.

Joker watches the kinkiest Hentai possible, which gives him a few ideas for either sex, battling Bruce, or both. Also, he slips candy-flavored condoms in Bruce's utility belt with the others ("You know I could've just bought these for you in the first place, right?")

**X is for X-Ray**

Watevra, being on the larger side, has herself a fine, fat vagina that can hold up to all five fingers; I shit you not. She also squirts, and when aroused, she can suck her lover's tongue right up into her.

Bruce may be overcompensating, but not for this; the man's got himself a fine dick at six inches, nearing seven when he's going hard.

Joker is more of a shower than a grower, starting at four inches and going to five when erect, _perfect_ to play with.

**Y is for Yearning**

These three fuck like rabbits. Joker's touch starved, Bruce has a lot of pent up tension, and Watevra loves the attention; in addition, they've all been so lonely and they're always so busy that when they do finally see each other again, it's all they can do not to pounce on each other then and there.

**Z is for ZZZzz**

It varies by how busy they've been. Oftentimes one will leave bed when the others doze off to attend to business, galaxy governance and the like, but typically they're all super worn out and ready to sleep by the end; often Watevra will be the last one awake, spooning her boys, which means she'll see them twist and turn when the nightmares dawn and be quick to fetch a cup of water and gently stir them; sometimes, Bruce or Joker will catch insomnia from these spells, so they'll stay up while the others sleep, Bruce spooning his partners or Joker simply watching them sleep; in every case, the last one awake will watch the other two or cling to them like they're scared they'll disappear.


	2. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watevra has an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prologue. Kinktrest is a thing I made up.

"Your Majesty, you have some visitors..."

Watevra looks up from her documents as Ice Cream Cone ushers her lovers of all people into the throne room; she immediately perks up, literally tossing the papers aside for Icey to pick up as she bounds to her men.

" _Boys!_ You didn't tell me you were visiting!" she exclaims, throwing her arms around Joker and Batman; Batman stiffens, but return the favor with a small smile, and Joker nuzzles into her neck like a purring kitten.

"We wanted to surprise you!" Joker says. "I've been good!"

" _Have_ you," Watevra says, quirking a brow as she pulls away and glances between the two.

"He has," Batman says. "It's been three days since his last heist, so I thought we'd take a trip to celebrate."

Watevra laughs outright.

"And right you are!" she says, pinning her hands to her hips. "Now what did you have planned?"

Joker and Batman exchange a glance, then shuffle, eyes on the ground.

"What uh, did _you_ have planned?" Batman asks, so lowly that Watevra immediately catches on with a devious smirk.

"Icey," she calls over her shoulder. "The gents and I will take our dinner in the dungeon."

Her subs immediately perk up, and she leads the way down the stairs.

"Decisions, decisions," Watevra lulls, scrolling through her BDSM Kinktrest board and sipping wine from her goblet.

"We're finished, queen," Batman says, already slipping into roleplaying as he pats his mouth and then Joker's with his cloth napkin; as always, Watevra is quick on the uptake.

"Finish your waters," she says crisply without looking up. "I need you two hydrated."

"Yes ma'am," they say, practically gulping down their goblets as Watevra's finger comes to rest on a particular pin, her mouth twisting into another grin.

"Here we are," she says, sliding the tablet down the long table to where Batman and Joker sit across from each other. "How does this look?"

The two grab the tablet and peer at the pin; a list of kinks, one for each letter. A mischievous giggle meets Joker's lips as Batman quirks a brow beneath his cowl.

"All of this... _tonight?_ " he clarifies.

"If you like," Watevra clarifies, folding her arms behind her head and leisurely leaning back, ankles crossed atop the table. "No pressure. Just spitballing."

"You want to do all of this _tonight?_ " Joker reiterates, a giddy crack in his voice as he stares over his shoulder at her.

Watevra shrugs.

"Again, only if you like," she says. "Just seems like we need to...make up for lost time."

Immediately, Batman tosses the tablet away and plops up on the table; Joker quickly follows suit, letting his legs dangle playfully over the edge.

"I'm in," Batman says.

"Samesies!" Joker confirms, and Watevra stands, rounding the table to loom over her lovers, hands returning to her hips.

"You're sure?" she says. "It could get pretty...intense."

"We _live_ intense," Batman says.

"Yeah Evs," Joker concurs, suddenly defensive. "Batsy and me were BDSM battling _long_ before you came into the picture."

Watevra smirks, plucking up the tablet and scrolling through it, calculating.

"Fair enough," she says. "Let's review the rules. Green means...?"

Batman swears, the way she's standing and speaking she's the perfect picture of some kind of schoolmarm.

" _Go_ ," he says, not concealing his exasperation.

"What was that tone?" Watevra inquires, Joker squeaking as the Mistress tone slips into her voice; she looms over her husbands.

"You heard me," Batman says lowly, grinning; Watevra stoops in front of him, getting right in his face.

"What's that?" she repeats, cocking her head. "Does _Batsy-Baby_ have a problem with how his Mistress makes sure she knows what he wants?"

Batman gulps.

"No, ma'am," he says lowly.

" _Good_ ," she says, standing upright again. "Because every _minute_ of tonight, I want to hear just how _good_ I'm making you two feel. So _green means?_ "

"Go!" Joker chirps eagerly, and Watevra smiles.

"Good boy."

She pulls a candy out of her pocket and tosses it his way; he catches it in his mouth, wrapper and all, before unwrapping it with his tongue, keeping his eyes on Evsy all the while. Watevra smirks again, then looks at Batman.

"See that, Bats?" she says. "Good boys get _treats_. Now. What does _yellow_ mean?"

"Slow down," Batman rumbles, and she nods.

"Good boy." She pecks him on the cheek before continuing. "And finally, what does red mean."

"Stop," Batman and Joker say immediately, and Watevra nods.

"And that's what happens," she says. "If _anyone_ says red, _everything_ stops. Now, if you're _gagged_ , how do you answer when I check in?"

"One tap to keep going, two taps to stop," Joker replies, and Watevra tosses him another candy.

"Exactly," she says, looking down at her tablet. "Now where were we? Ah yes. Today, boys, we're going to learn the _alphabet_." She turns the tablet where her husbands can see it. "It's twenty-six kinks in the lesson plan, which makes for a long night. If at any point anyone changes their mind or wants to stop, what do they do, no matter what?"

"Say red!" Joker chirps, and gets another candy.

"Precisely," she says. " _Now_... _A_ is for...?"


	3. A is for Anal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Educational butt stuff.

"A is for...anal!"

When she sees Joker beam and Batman blush, she knows she's made the right choice. She grins and approaches them.

"We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight," she says, "but we need to stretch these asses first. Go shower and get yourselves ready for me--but no touching each other; I'll know."

Her husbands practically trip over each other to get to the dungeon bathroom, and she heads up the stairs to her room. After showering, she rifles through the closet for the perfect lingerie, settling on a red garter set with black stockings and heels; she pulls on a pair of long black latex gloves and puffs out her purple hair to finish the look, sanitizing the gloves before heading back down to the dungeon.

There, she can hear her husbands still showering, so she peruses her armory, a rack of toys lining one wall, floor to ceiling; she doesn't need to look long, however, as she designed the perfect items and has been waiting for the perfect time for their unveiling. She plucks two scepters from the wall and heads to the sanitization station in one corner. The scepters themself are made of safe surgical steel, tinted gold, with gems lining the hilts, black and blue for Batman and purple and green for Joker; the heads of either scepter are removable from the hilt, round and curved to fill the anus and put pressure on the prostate. She puts a pot on the sanitization corner counter to boil, rubbing down both scepters and their heads thoroughly with alcohol; once the water is boiling, she removes each of the scepter heads with a click of one of the jewel buttons and drops them in the pot to cleanse, running cold water in a steel bowl in the sink in the interval; once they've boiled for a bit, she pulls them out with tongs and drops them in the cold water to cool; they steam as she turns off the heat on the pot and moves it off of the stove. 

That's when she hears the door behind her, indicating her lovers are finished cleaning.

"Strip down and put on the gloves I bought for you," she calls over her shoulder. "They're in that chest. Make sure they're clean!"

"Yes ma'am!" they call, and she hears them follow her orders to the letter, going back to the bathroom to sanitize the gloves; as they do, she dries her the scepters and replaces the heads on the hilts, setting Bats' to one side and rubbing Jokers' between her hands, up and down repeatedly, to make sure it's not too cold. Stainless-steel toys need to be boil-sanitized before and after use and are great for temperature play, but Joker is sensitive to temperatures, so Watevra's always careful to keep the toys she uses on him at room temperature. 

Watevra returns to the table just as the boys return from the bathroom; she sets the scepters on the table, and their eyes immediately dart from them to her, widening; she smirks.

"Strip down to your gloves and bend over the table, facing each other," she orders, and they do, although Batman keeps his cowl on; she hears Joker excitedly whispering to Bats as she returns to the wall of racks to find the best restraints; she returns with two sets of handcuffs, two matching metal leg spreaders, and two pillows. 

"Are we in trouble?" Batman inquires, quirking a brow as she approaches and slips under the table; Joker squirms eagerly as she brushes his slim, pale leg, running her hand down it to the shin where she places one spreader cuff; she attaches the other to Batman's ankle and repeats the action with the other spreader so the men's legs are attached.

"I dunno," she lulls dryly, sweeping back up from under the table behind Batman to cuff his wrists to Joker's, "you _say_ Joker's been a good little boy lately. That true, Jay?"

Joker's cock twitches eagerly as he rubs against the underside of the table for friction.

"Yes Mama," he assures her as she stuffs a pillow between Batman's lower chest and the pillow, both tightening the stretch and protecting him from chafing against the table; she slides across the table to repeat the action for Joker.

" _Are you sure?_ " she whispers in his ear, bringing Joker's face aglow. Batman, nose now inches from Joker's, cocks his head to one side inquisitively. Watevra pulls away, singing under her breath as she returns to the rack. "I'm not sure how _good_ either of you are at all. You're always fighting. Why don't you show me how _good_ you can both be...to each other?" Batman stiffens and Joker blushes as Watevra plucks two whips from the wall, stroking them thoughtfully. She glances over her shoulder.

"Color?"

"Green!" they both immediately answer, and she smirks, turning on her heel.

" _Good,_ " she says, plucking some lube from drawer before prowling toward them predatorily before propping herself on the edge of the table so Batman can see her ass and Joker can see her crotch, but neither can touch. "Because I need to make sure you're both _good_ _boys_ and deserve all Mama has planned for you. Does that sound _good?_ "

"Yes mama!" Joker perked up immediately, and Watevra grinned, crossing one leg over the other before taking his chin in her hand.

" _Good boy_."

She turns to Batman, still squeezing Joker's cheeks between her fingers. 

"Does that sound _good_ to you, Batman? Do you want to show Joker how _good_ you can be to him?" She runs the hilts of the whips under Joker's chin so she can wrap her other arm around him, encircling his head as his eyes bore hungrily into Bat's. "Doesn't he deserve a _treat?_ "

Batman watches her, trying to rub his legs together but failing due to the restraints. He smirks.

"Yes he does," Batman says, then lurches across the table as far as he can to dive headfirst into Joker; the men bump against each other at first, their proximity pulling their restraints tighter as they had to fight to maintain a friction between their meeting cheeks, before their lips found each other, ferociously devouring one another.

"Oh look at that," Watevra remarks, pulling one leg up to straddle the table she lazily leans back on her elbows to watch. "Look how _good_ you two are." She lets one hand slide down her large breasts, to her fat, bushy mound to slip within her garters and play with her pleasure bundle between her legs, mewling like a kitten; the sight gets the boys more bothered, and they turn their lips from each other, breathing heavily and leaning cheek to cheek; Joker's lips sliding across Batman's face leave a long red line. They stare at her. She quirks a brow and stops rubbing herself.

"Did I _say_ you could stop?"

"Are you just going to watch?" Batman demands, and Joker squeaks excitedly, rubbing against the table again and curling his long-nailed toes.

" _Batsyy_ ," he warns in a sing-song voice.

"What did you say to me, Man of Bats?" Watevra inquires, pulling up to all fours so they were level with her impressive cleavage.

"You heard me," Batman says, and Joker giggles eagerly under his breath, averting his gaze as Batman's eyes bore into Evsy's. 

Evsy eyes him, then smirks, standing and slowly weighing the hilts of the whips in either hand. Joker giggled again.

"And here I was trying to get you two in the _mood_ ," she says. "I thought I was being so _generous_."

"Wanna be generous, why don't you fuck me in the ass?" Batman deadpans, and Joker squeaks again; Batman stares at his wife. "Color," he adds.

" _Green_ as grass, baby," Evsy says, squatting in front of her boys. "I see you're _excited._ But I gotta do something about that _tongue_ of yours first, now don't I, Joker?"

"Y-Yes ma'am!" Joker says eagerly.

"What do you think I should do, Jokes?"

" _Punish him_ ," Joker replies eagerly, licking his lips, and Watevra laughs heartily before standing again.

"Good idea..." She brings the whips up, running their tresses up and down the boy's backs, making Batman shiver and Joker curl like a cat. "What do _you_ think, Bats?"

Bats stares at Joker.

"I think he threw me under the bus," Batman responds, and Joker wiggles his brows, nearly making Batman break into laughter, but he manages to keep up his tough demeanor.

"Oh no," Watevra replied cheekily, running the whip tresses back up the boys' backs. "It's not _nice_ to sell out your friends, Jaybird."

Joker wriggles excitedly, practically purring.

"What do you think I should do about _that,_ Joker?" Watevra inquires.

" _Punish me_ ," he replies eagerly, and without another word, Watevra snaps the whips against both mens' rears, drawing a howl from Joker and a roar from Bats.

"Color!" Watevra snaps.

"Green--!" both groan, still writhing against their binds in pleasure.

" _How_ green?" Watevra demands, cracking the whips across their asses again. "How _good_ am I making you two feel? Why don't you show each other?"

Their lips immediately met again as Watevra continued to whip, the intensity of their kiss empowered by the arousal from the whip.

"That's right boys," Watevra says, cracking the whips again. " _Share the love_." She cracks them once more, then glances at either men's ass and cock; satisfied that they are well and aroused and their rears are ready, she tosses the whips to the side and leaps off of the table with grace. "Now to the main event."

Batman peers over his shoulder as Joker pants against his forehead.

" _Did I say stop?_ " Watevra barks, and with a snap of her fingers they've resumed; she grabs the scepters from the table and lubes up the head of Bats' before pressing it to his rear; she hears him moan against Joker's tongue, and Joker continues to swallow his aroused noises as Watevra teases his ass with the golden toy. "Stop," she orders, and they reluctantly pull away. "Color." 

"Green!" Bats barks before ploughing his lips back into Joker's. Watevra smirks, lining the head of the scepter up with Bats' back door and pushing, pulling, in and out, in and out, barely entering at first; Bats impatiently rubs his ass against the toy, and she immediately cracks the whip across his pale, tight rear; he howls into Jokers' mouth as Joker snickers deeply against his.

"You'll move when I say move!" Watevra snaps. "Here I am being _so sweet_ with you Batsy," she moves the scepter in and out, in and out, methodically, "and you can't even give me a little _patience_ , can you?"

Batman mumbles something that's captured by Joker's lips.

"What was that honey?" Watevra inquires, pressing the toy into his rear harshly but not quite far enough, drawing another frustrated growl from her husband.

"I'm _sorry!_ " he spits.

"Sorry _what?_ "

"I'm sorry, _Your Majesty_ ," he manages, and Watevra smirks as Joker giggles against Batman.

"I'm not sure if I believe that," she remarks, glancing at her other lover as she presses the toy playfully into the Bat. "Do you believe that, honey?"

" _No_ Mama," Joker says matter-of-factly, wriggling his scrawny white ass in the air playfully as Batman growls, nipping his jaw. "I don't believe it _at-all_."

"You heard the man Batsy," Watevra says, propping one leg next to Bats' back on the table. " _We're not buying it_." She places her weight on the toy, curving it deliciously as Batman's shoulders wriggle, his hips rutting against the pillow for friction; Watevra whips him again.

"Color."

"Green."

Watevra leans even further in, bending her leg so her knee is pressed against his lower back and upper rear, opening him up for her perfectly as her breasts nearly touch his back; finally, the toy is fully inside him, twisting in and out, in and out, barely grazing the spot he needs it.

"Why don't you sing again for us, Bats?" she lulls, learning down so her breasts graze his back and she's hissing in his ear, "And this time, _make us believe it_."

WIth that, she pulls back and thrusts the toy into him fully, curving just 'round his prostrate and pulling in, out, in, out, granting blessed friction against his sweet spot; he screams at the entrance and howls with each and every thrust, ultimately descending into pleas,

" _Yes_ Mama, _please_ Mama, it feels so good inside me--"

"Now _that_ I believe," Watevra murmurs in his ear, twisting the toy once more inside him before letting it come to rest against his G-spot, pressing a button to pull out the hilt and leave the toy just on that bundle of nerves. He peers over his shoulder inquistively.

" _Face forward, Batsy_ ," Watevra reminds him in his ear, and he follows the order, face flushed and gleaming with sweat, breathing heavy. "Joker's lookin' lonely over there," Watevra whispers to her husband as though their lover couldn't hear from inches away. "Why don't you show him some love, hmm?" She graces his cheek with a gentle kiss. " _Color?_ "

"Green," Batman says, leaning into her before lunging forward again to bury Joker's lips in his. Watevra grins, grabbing the other scepter and slipping across the table as Joker writhes eagerly against his bind, moaning against Bats' lips.

"That's right Jay," she says, lining up behind him and placing a knee on one side of his hip on the table. "Don't think we've forgotten about _you._ "

"You couldn't Mama," Joker says confidently as Batman lines his jaw with love pecks, thrusting his ass out nice and pretty for her. "I'm _un-for-get-table_."

"That's right baby," Watevra says approvingly, lubing up his toy before pressing it against his ass. "Now face forward."

"Yes ma'am!" he chirps before eagerly wrapping his talented tongue 'round Bats'.

"Too cold?" Watevra inquires of the toy as she twists it against his entrance, bouncing backward and forward against her propped up knee to transfer the weight across her hips with each twist.

"It's _perfect_ , Mama," Joker mumbles against Bats' eager tongue, Bats, still bothered by the toy suspended in his rear, beginning to bite eagerly at his husband's red lips; Joker eagerly returns the favor.

" _Good_ ," Watevra says, before pressing the toy further in; Joker writhes eagerly against Bat's tongue.

"Hmm?" Watevra inquires, pulling the toy away as Joker groans in disappointment. "I didn't _catch_ _that_."

" _More,_ Mama!" Joker cries desperately, and Watevra immediately presses the toy in, twisting it in and out, in and out, Joker groaning and giggling intermittently with each thrust and twist; finally, she hits his G-spot, twists a few more times as he writhes eagerly against his pillow, then hits the button and removes the hilt, leaving Joker singing against Bats' lips before he collapses into the table in a heap of pleasure, Bats immediately burying him in loving kisses all along his thin white neck.

"What was that Joker-baby?" Watevra inquires, sliding back up to straddle the desk again, this time leaning forward against her hands. "Coming already?"

"Not _yet_ , Mama," Joker whines, mewling as Batman continues to attend to him across the table; Watevra nods, considering; with his stimulation problems, Joker has a hard time coming sometimes, but he appears to be still aroused. Still, it couldn't hurt to check.

"Color, Jokes?" she inquires, cocking her head.

" _Green_ , Mama," Joker hums under Bats' tender and flustered affections, both men still propping their asses high in the air like trophies; she could tell they were both still well and bothered, which is right where she wanted them.

" _Good,_ " she says, grabbing both scepter hilts, one for each hand. "'Cause we're only halfway done."

With that, she presses a button on either hilt, and the scepter heads inside either men begin to vibrate, a low hum at the first level; not expecting it, they immediately moaned, rutting against the table and writhing against their restraints, asses waving pleadingly in the air for release; their flustered kisses and bated breath resume, burying themselves into each other eagerly as she takes the level up a couple of notches.

"Please Mama," Bats pants. "I need to come-!"

"Already _begging_ for me, Batsy?" Watevra teases. "It's only the _beginning_ of the night."

"Evs--!" Bats snaps.

" _What_ was that tone?" Watevra inquires, taking both up a couple more levels as Joker sings pleasurable, Batman growling against his lips.

" _Now!_ " Bats howls against his husband's lips. "I need to come _now_ _!_ I--!!"

She maxes out both boys' toys, and they sing against each other, crying out and squirming before collapsing into each other, onto the table, breathing heavily. Watevra slides off the table and uses the hilts to pull the toys from her lovers' rears.

"How was that, boys?" she inquires, looming over them. "Did you come for Mama? Did it feel _good?_ "

" _Yes_ Mama," Batman mumbles as Joker hums incoherently against his neck; she releases them from their bonds and they're immediately in each other's arms as she goes to drop the toys in some water at the sanitation station. 

" _Good_ ," she says, returning and drawing Joker into her lap as Bats wraps his arms around both of them, burying his head in their hair. "Always want to take of my boys."

"Yes, Mama," Batman mumbles, breathing heavily against her hair; she pets his back.

"You can call me Evsy in between, Bats," she informs him, running her hand up and down his fair, sculpted back.

"Okay Evsy," he says.

"We love you Evsy," Joker says, curling into her.

"I love you two, babes," Watevra says, pulling out her tablet. "Do you want to keep going? We can stop--"

"No!" both boys immediately exclaimed, sitting upright, and Watevra chuckles.

"Fine," she says. "But get some water and catch your breath while I get the next game ready. _B_ is for..."


	4. B is for Bondage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever heard of the mummy?

As Joker and Batman alternated between drinking from their water bottles and her dripping pussy, Watevra perused the internet; B happens to be for bondage, but since bondage is a big part of most of their lovemaking--dating a gadget-heavy superhero and his trick-heavy supervillain will do that to you--she had to look around for a way to _really_ spice it up. Finally, she found the perfect position, sure to excited her husbands just enough while also giving them a breather after the anal; they were still breathing heavy, after all.

"Hey boys," she says, so they know they're slipping back into their play roles, "have you ever heard of the _mummy?_ "

"Like the movie, Mama?" Joker asks so she knows he's ready.

"Not quite," Watevra says, standing despite Joker's reluctant groan as he pulls away from her pussy; Batman consoles him by squirting some water into his waiting mouth. Watevra sets the tablet aside to search through one of her toy boxes for some binds. "Usually at this point, I'd go for some musical chairs," she says casually, fishing some out. "But that only works with a foursome or more." She returns to the table. "Well, maybe someday. But for now." She twirls her finger in the air to indicate they're to lie flat on the table, and they do. "Now," she perches on the edge of the table, legs crossed, as she twirls the bondage ropes 'round her finger, "the _mummy_ is a position where the sub is wrapped from head to toe in binds, like a little mummy. The point of the mummy is really more for bondage than sexual excitement, but I was _thinking_..." She straddles the table. "If I tied the two of you together, would you _get along?_ "

"Eep!" Joker squeaks, indicating his excitement, as Batman's eyes widen. Watevra grins. 

"What do you think?" she presses for verbal consent.

"Yes Mama," Batman says under his breath. "We'll get along..."

"We'll be _good_ ," Joker agrees in a sing-song voice.

" _Excellent_ ," Evsy says, then rolls her finger again to indicate they're to _bundle up_ ; Bruce rolls on top of an eagerly squeaking Joker, then Watevra straddles the squirming duo as she starts swaddling her babies with the binds, starting at the ankles.

"Bats," Joker whispers to Batman, " _I'm nervous_."

"Scared?" Batman quickly clarifies, and Joker shakes his head hurriedly.

"Not scared!" he asserts. "Just... _nervous_...could you... _comfort me?_ "

With a wiggle of his lover's lush green brows Batman catches up, smirks, and plants his lips on his lover's, who immediately grants access, practically gnawing on his husband's lip as Evsy reaches their rears.

"Look at you too," she lulls, " _getting along_." With that, she strikes Bats' pale ass with her palm, leaving a bright red mark; Bruce squirms and murmurs into Joker's mouth. "Color?"

" _Green_ , Mama," Batman assures her, and she grins, patting those chiseled glutes a couple times before continuing her wrapping, causing the boys' hips to writhe as their still dripping cocks were drawn taught against their hips.

"Do we need to reposition?" Evsy asks, considering their cocks, but both quickly shook their heads, rutting into one another as they deepened their desperate kiss. Watevra smiles, and continues, until she's reached their shoulders, then their necks. "This part can be dangerous," she says at the base of Bats' neck. "I need you to tell me if you're uncomfortable. Okay?"

"Yes mama," they moans in unison, lips barely parting, but Evsy manages to make it out. She smirked, and continued.

"Where shall I tie it off?" she inquires. "Here at the base of the skull, or all the way over your heads? I'll have to leave holes to breathe, but--"

"Wrap us like sushie!" Joker eagerly interjects, and Evsy looks to Bats as well for confirmation; he nods curtly, and upon further pressing, literally, with a knee to his rear, Bats groans,

" _Please_ , queen."

"Please _what_ , baby bat?" she inquired.

" _Please_ tie me head to toe..."

She smirked, and wrapped them off, drawing their lips further together as they tilted their heads slightly not to crash noses; she tied the knot off at the top of their heads, then looked over her work.

"Comfy?" she inquired cheekily, but with a genuine connotation.

" _The comfiest_ ," Bats concurs, mouth still crashing into Joker's, and Watevra smirks.

"Good," she says. "'Cause that's just the _position_. We can do whatever we want now. For instance..." She drew herself up, straddling the bound boys on her knees, and ran a finger along her slick, wet slit. "I can't let you boys have _all_ the fun."

They can _hear_ that wet ass pussy, primally growling into each other as their fingers and tongues itch for it, spurring their kiss to deepen further; Joker's tongue dances through Bat's mouth as he wants it to through Evsy's rich cunt, and Bats starts rutting into Joker in turn, never quite satisfying his stiffened dick.

"Glad to see we're all _having_ _fun_ ," Evsy says, watching them closely. "Color."

" _Greeeamemm,_ " the lovers return, and Evsy strikes Bats' rear again. 

_"Color!"_ she barks, and Bats wrenches away just enough from Joker to free his lips and howl,

"Green!" in unison with Joker.

" _Good_ ," Evsy lulls, lowering herself onto Bat's bound behind, then rising, then lowering again, creating a painstakingly slow pace as she humps him, her sweet juices practically coating his binds; he groans something into Joker's mouth, and Evsy picked up the pace, planting her pussy on the binds and bouncing her rear back and forth, creating that precious friction along her slit, until--

She gasps as part of the bind found that sweet set of bundles, letting her head fall back as she steadies herself by planting her palms on Bats' back, then lowering herself _slowly_ across him, still curving her pussy 'round to meet his pert rear, Joker squirming beneath their combined weight as Bats consumed his excited giggles.

" _Color_ , darlings," she murmured into Bats' ear where Joker could hear, and on hearing _green_ again, she picked up the pass, humping at a speed that gave her the much needed friction while quaking both boys at once; Joker whimpered and Bats groaned as their rubbed together, tightly bound between their bodies, until, _finally_ , they both came, cum spilling through the binds onto the table as they howled into each others' mouths, Bats going limp over Joker who placed loving, tender bites along his lips; Evsy's squirt pelted their binds, until she, too, found release, collapsing atop her lovers before rolling away.

"Talk to me," she said after some beats of heavy breathing, rolling over to straddle her boys again and unwind their binds.

"Evs," Joker breathed, barely moving as she reached the base of Bats' neck again.

"That was _hot_ ," Bats breathed, resting his forehead against Joker's, still flushed.

"Joker?" Evs asked, continuing her unwrapping down Bats' back.

"Evs," he repeated, and she stopped, looking up at him, concern clear in her eyes and soon reaching Bats once he returned from his high.

"Jokes?" Bats pressed, eyes staring intensely into his lover's.

"That," Joker breathed, eyes finally meeting his lovers', "was...wow."

"Wow," Evs repeated, returning to her unwinding, soon reaching Bats' knees. "Good wow or bad wow...?"

" _Good_ ," Joker said, and Evs and Bats visibly relaxed, Evs finally reaching her lovers' ankles and pulling the binds away; she stood to dunk the cum-covered binds in the sanitation station before grabbing some baby wipes; she returned to wipe down the table and her boys, making sure she cleaned Joker's cock last so the whipe wouldn't be too cold. " _So good_ ," he continued. "Just...wow."

Evs tossed the wipe away as Bats brought Joker up to rest in his lap, cooing to his lover and placing gentle pecks along his neck, rubbing his back lovingly.

"Here," Evsy said, returning with some more water bottles and handing one to Joker first. "Rest."

He eagerly gulped the water down, and Bats and Evsy watched him.

"Hey," Bats said. "If you need to rest babe...we don't _have_ to do all this tonight--"

"No!" Joker exclaimed, drawing Bats and Evs' tense attention. "I mean-yeah! Yes, totally! I _want_ to, definitely, I just...might take a breather first."

"Of course," Evsy said. "Take as long as you need honey. And like Bats said--"

"No-I want to," Joker said quickly. "I _definitely_ want to. This is already the best night of my life. Just...give me a minute to..." He pointed at his cock. " _Gear up_ again."

Evsy smiled encouragingly, then returned to her tablet.

"I can take it easy on this next one if--"

"No way," Joker cut in. "Just let me get my energy up--actually, I could use some food..."

Evsy immediately made a video call on her tablet, making sure her boys were out of frame lest they be caught unawares in a vulnerable position; Ice Cream Cone answered promptly, then promptly wished he hadn't.

"Your Majesty," he deadpanned, eyeing her already prominent bedhair. " _Please_ tell me you didn't break another dildo. I've told you before I don't _make_ late-night cock calls."

"Oh I know," Evs said. "That's what Susan's for. She's my dick girl. She knows the best cock shops-"

"What do you require, Your Majesty?"

"Oh right. Yeah, Jaybird needs nourishment. Can we get some food down here?" She got Bats' meaningful look, and added, "Down the dumbwaiter, as usual."

"Of course, Your Majesty," Ice Cream Cone said, pulling out a house phone, and Evs realized he was still in bed.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?" Evs asked, suddenly realizing she'd fallen back on that tunnel vision she'd been told about.

"Not in the slightest--" Ice Cream Cone started, before Barnarnar leaned into frame.

"Hi Your Majesty!"

" _B?_ " Evs demanded. "What are _you_ doing there?"

"What does it look like?" Ice Cream Cone deadpanned without looking up from the number he was dialing. "We're fucking."

"Good for y'all! I didn't know you two fucked," Evs said as naturally as though she were discussing the weather.

"Three, actually," a blond woman said, leaning into frame from Ice Cream Cone's other side.

" _Susan?_ " Evs demanded. "Look at you, girl!"

"Yeah," Susan said sheepishly. "Hey--did you get those dildos I sent you!"

"Oh yeah! The boys love 'em!"

"Good!"

"I'll make the call now," Ice Cream Cone said, holding the phone to his-ear?

"Oh hey," Evs started, "I wanted to ask, when you three fuck, what--"

Ice Cream Cone killed the line, and Evsy shrugged before turning to her boys, pulling the ABC list back up on her tablet.

"Food's on the way," she said, then quirked a curious and pleasurous brow at the next item on the agenda. "And good thing too; you're gonna need your energy. _C_ is for..."


End file.
